The Cordelia Diaries
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: Cordelia finally admits something to herself in her diary. - Fourth entry up!
1. Confessional

Title: The Cordelia Diaries: Confessional  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Classifications: Diary entry, Cordy POV, Cordy/Angel  
  
Spoilers: End of season 1, most of season 2. But minor for the most part.  
  
Written: August 29, 2001  
  
Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first!  
  
Summary: Cordelia finally admits something to herself in her diary.  
  
Disclaimer: "Angel" the series belongs to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy Productions (grr...argh), and 20th Century Fox. Do enough people own this show? Are they willing to give me Angel? Er... Anyway, I'm just having a bit of fun, and they aren't mine.  
  
Author's Notes: Cordelia started yapping in my head. I decided to make a diary series out of it. Hopefully there's more to come. But that's purely up to Cordy. ;) hehe I guess you can blame this a bit on the fact that I just finished reading "The Princess Diaries", but oh well.  
  
Thanks to Suzi for the beta on this!  
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Oh man, if my life isn't crazy, I don't know whose is. Really. Who else can say they're a special Seer for a really attractive two hundred and forty-seven year old vampire? That's my job description. I can't exactly remember what I tell people when they ask me what I do, but then I don't see many people, or, uh, beings, anymore who *don't* know what I do. That might have something to do with not remembering what I tell normal people. Normal people. Do they exist anymore?  
  
sigh.  
  
Crazy, crazy, crazy.  
  
Sometimes nothing phases me for a second, and then other times I'm lying on my bed staring up at the ceiling (on those rare occasions that I can go home and sleep) wondering just how I ever ran into the aforementioned vampire in this ginormous city.  
  
Angel.  
  
Out of all the people in the city of Los Angeles, I turn around and see him. What was up with that? The Blonde One's ex, for crying out loud! What are the chances? It's just been one adventure after the other since then. Right.  
  
Lemme see, demon goo, nearly being killed by demons, zombies, vampires, Angel wiggin' over that stupid Darla, Wesley nearly dying, me going crazy, me having mind-blowing, debilitating, icky visions, me getting sucked through portals into strange worlds where they don't have vowels, and not in that particular order. I was a princess in the latter - but nevermind.  
  
Through all of that, I am still devoted to staying with Angel. Am I an idiot? Crazy at least, I have to be crazy. I told him I'd be with him till his Shanshu or whatever. But I could die before that ever happens. And I don't mean at the hands of a demon or a vampire, I mean of old age.  
  
What the hell did I promise him? It's not that I didn't mean it, and it's not that I don't want to. But let's face it, as shallow as I'm not anymore, I still might like to have a social life. A - Geez, just a life! But how am I supposed to plan that around the Broody One?  
  
How am I supposed to deal with the fact that maybe I don't want to?  
  
Oh God, Cordelia, there you go again. Your little world just revolves around him, doesn't it? You should at least admit it, just so your life's not a total lie.  
  
Why am I talking to myself?!  
  
I love him. Okay? There, I said it. Not that you can help loving someone you're with practically 24/7, who's kind, and cares about what happens to you, and will stand up for you even when you think you can take care of yourself. Which most of the time you can't. I mean, I love Wes and Gunn, too, but definitely not the way I love Angel.  
  
Confusing much?  
  
This is not happening. It can't be. I can't let it. Now I'll start acting all freaky around him, and things will get really weird, and he'll wanna know why things are weird. And if he found out... Oh God, he cannot find out!  
  
What have I done? Why didn't I just go on letting it be that little feeling that hovered in the back of my brain, but I never really noticed?  
  
I can handle this. I have to. I mean, it's not like it's an I-wanna-rip-his-clothes-off kinda thing. Okay, maybe sometimes it is. But most of the time it's just love, just like always. Except I'd like to be able to kiss him, and hold him...  
  
Stop torturing yourself like this. Just stop it now. It's not possible. That stupid freakin' curse makes it impossible. If I could ever even make him happy. Which would *not* be a good thing in the first place.  
  
What am I going to do?!  
  
End 


	2. Frustration

Title: The Cordelia Diaries: Frustration  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Classifications: Diary entry, Cordy POV, Cordy/Angel  
  
Spoilers: Nothing specific, if at all. I just throw random facts around.  
  
Written: August 30 - September 4, 2001  
  
Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first!  
  
Disclaimer: "Angel" the series belongs to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy Productions (grr...argh), and 20th Century Fox. Do enough people own this show? Are they willing to give me Angel? Er... Anyway, I'm just having a bit of fun, and they aren't mine.  
  
Author's Notes: Cordelia's back! hehe I really enjoyed writing the first one, because so many people told me it sounded like Cordy. Things are about to get more serious though, then we're heading straight to Angstville eventually. So, I hope you enjoy this part, and I hope there's more to come. The Muses are here to stay... for now at least. ;)  
  
Big thanks to Suzi for the beta on this! :)  
********************************************************************************  
  
I know I was acting freaky around the office today. I just know I was. I was jumpy and I was jittery, and just plain out of my head. Angel must've asked me two dozen times what was wrong, but I just said, "Nothing. Girl stuff."  
  
PMS has never made me act this way. Ever.  
  
So, basically, Miss Tactless, Miss Blunt, is not going to just blurt something out for once. Not this, not ever.  
  
I've thought this over, I really have. And I figure that even if he felt the same way, it would just make both of us miserable knowing. I mean, what would we do? What *could* we do? He gets happy, he flips his lid, and who wants an unhappy relationship? We've been through all of this with Buffy. I never want to see Angelus again. I don't want to end up dead because I was stupid enough to fall in love with a vampire.   
  
Really, how many times did I snipe at Buffy about doing the same thing? Was I jealous even then? I don't think so. The point is I am now doing something that I totally chewed her out for. Who's the nut now?  
  
Obviously I have more questions than answers. This sucks!  
  
I've already messed me up, but I can't do this to Angel. God, he has enough to feel guilty about already without me telling him I love him. He's had enough heartbreak without having to tell me he doesn't feel the same way, or worse yet, he does and there's nothing we can do. Either way he's going to have something to brood about. I don't want to be responsible for adding to that list.  
  
How could I have let this happen? We're family, that's all it's supposed to be. I don't have any family or friends outside of Angel Investigations anymore, so I have no one to talk to about this. Oh, Dennis has heard all about it, but he can't give me any advice. I'm babbling to a ghost late at night, for crying out loud!  
  
sigh  
  
How am I going to keep looking into those puppy dog brown eyes and act normally? What happens the day I finally completely betray myself?  
  
Again, I'm really good at asking questions, but I suck at answering them.  
  
He doesn't deserve this. He's working his way to redemption, and right now, that's all he needs to focus on. Not me and the way I feel about him. I could probably tell Wesley and he wouldn't completely freak, but I know he'd open his big British mouth, then where am I going to be? Running to the other end of the country, more than likely. If not out of the country. Angel couldn't follow me, he needs to stay here and help people. But knowing him, he would, no matter what, and he doesn't need that kink in his life. Besides, I'm his Seer, and how is he going to help people without one of those?  
  
Frankly, the faster he Shanshus, the faster I could work this out. But we could still be talking years here. Or longer. Like, way longer.  
  
Crap.  
  
Might as well admit it, there is no easy out on this one.  
  
End 


	3. Tears

Title: The Cordelia Diaries: Tears  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com Always remember that feedback is *good*.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Classifications: Diary entry, Cordy POV, Cordy/Angel  
  
Spoilers: Nothing specific, if at all. I just throw random facts around.  
  
Written: September 17-18, 2001  
  
Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first!  
  
Disclaimer: "Angel" the series belongs to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy Productions (grr...argh), and 20th Century Fox. Do enough people own this show? Are they willing to give me Angel? Er... Anyway, I'm just having a bit of fun, and they aren't mine.  
  
Website: My Hero at http://www.envy.nu/angelmine  
  
Author's Notes: Mmm, that trip into Angstville I mentioned? You're about to go on it now.  
  
Thanks to Sammi for going over this for me.  
  
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Things have been slow around AI lately. That means lots and lots of time for me to watch Angel. I feel like a creep though. A stalker. Or at the very least a coward who can't admit her feelings to the man she loves.  
  
Where are all the demons so I don't have to think about this? Are they all against me, too? If one weird thing would just show up and get Angel out of there so I could breathe. Even if it means having a really painful vision. I am that desperate.  
  
Anyway, I'm home tonight, and Angel just drops by to see how I am. My first thought was 'Great, just great. Why is he here!?' Then I sort of relaxed and invited him in and we talked for a bit on the couch. I guess he got lonely, I dunno. All I do know is that I wanted to reach out to him just inches away from me, and I couldn't. It sucked so bad. He was all stuttery and stuff, too. Why is he always like that? Uh uh, not going for the obvious answer to that, because it's not true. I know he's not 247 and verbally challenged though. I think he just has a problem with small talk.  
  
So, we're sitting there making with the small talk, I hadn't done anything stupid yet, and suddenly my diary, *this* diary, begins to float out of my bedroom. You know how you have those moments where you see something happening, but you can only watch in shock? This was one of those moments. There was my entire book of secrets hovering it's way to us, and all I was doing was sitting there with my mouth hanging wide open. Real intelligent, huh?  
  
Angel just looked from me to the diary and back again. Poor guy didn't have a clue, lucky me. Looking back, the way he looked so puzzled was kind of funny. That's not an emotion that often crosses his face. However, it was so not funny at that moment in time. Two seconds later, the thing is dropped into Angel's lap.  
  
If Dennis wasn't already dead, I would've murdered him!  
  
That little sneak. Ooh! I'm glaring at him right now. He doesn't think I know where he is, but I do.  
  
Anyway. Angel looked at the diary, now in his lap, then back up at me. I finally regained a brain cell, and snatched it up. He looked at me like I was crazy, but what could I possibly say? "Dennis is on crack" came to mind, but didn't really make any sense. Unless he's on some sort of otherworldly crack, and that's kinda doubtful.  
  
I'm losing my mind.  
  
So Angel says, "Is there something wrong? Maybe something Dennis is concerned about that you don't want me to know?"  
  
Huh. Leave it to him to ask exactly the right question and not know it.  
  
What was my eloquent response?  
  
"Uh, nope. Absolutely nothing for you to be worried about. I think Dennis just wanted some attention."  
  
Uh huh.  
  
Dennis wanted to get me in the biggest trouble of my life is what he wanted. Stupid phantom.  
  
Angel didn't look convinced, but he didn't push for once. That was something anyway. Sweet, merciful Lord, if he had interrogated me I would've cracked. I'm to that point now. It's not a secure place to be.  
  
Angel said he had to do some patroling not too long after that. As I walked with him to the door, he took my hand. I still don't know why. Then he hugged me as he left. That's just too unusual. I hope he didn't notice the way I almost desperately clung to him. Ha. Who am I kidding? He's a vampire, he has all those heightened senses and everything. As he pulled away, his lips brushed my temple, and then he walked away.  
  
I went back to the couch, collapsed, and cried for an hour.  
  
It was all so sweet, so tender, and I don't know why. Does he know? Or does he feel it, too? And if it was just some random, sentimental moment, how am I supposed to know the difference and know whether or not to tell him?  
  
And how am I going to stop crying?  
  
End 


	4. Agony

Title: The Cordelia Diaries: Agony   
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder   
  
E-mail: dana_mulder32@yahoo.com   
  
Website: http://www.envy.nu/angelmine   
  
Written: October 24, 2001   
  
Rating: PG   
  
Classification: Cordelia journal entry; C/A; extreme angst   
  
Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first! :)   
  
Spoilers: None   
  
Disclaimer: None of this, not even Angel himself (though oh, how I wish and wish!), belong to me. "Angel" is the property of Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy Productions (grrr...argh), 20th Century Fox, and the WB. Don't sue, I'm cursed and can't find a job. That means no money!   
  
Summary: Angel finds out what Cordelia already knew.   
  
Author's Notes: If you read this, and think "Man, this is coming from a dark place!", you betcha it is, buddy! Throw together a little depression, a little hormonal episode, and a really late night, and here you are. The train's still chugging through Angstville...   
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I don't want this. I *never* wanted this. It's pain, it's anguish, it's agony. Slow, burning agony that seeps into my chest, then all through my veins, till I want to scream at the top of my lungs to make it go away.   
  
But I can't make it go away. Not while he's here, not while I'm here. My God, not as long as I'm breathing even.   
  
I can't make it go away because he knows. You don't act funny around a vampire for long before you start to annoy him. Or something. It was nothing dramatic, really. He just knew.   
  
Of course, it can't work. And he told me so. It was nothing I wasn't already expecting. It was just like that. Simple. Easy.   
  
Right.   
  
Except for the fact that I held back my tears till it was over, then quietly left the room to bawl my eyes out.   
  
And then when he came to the room I had locked myself in, and asked me so gently to come out, I told him to go away. Not that any of this is his fault, I just can't bear to look at him right now. It hurts too damn much.   
  
I've been crying too much lately. Cordelia Chase doesn't just go around crying like a little baby all the time.   
  
Okay, so this Cordelia Chase does.   
  
Why does everyone paint love as romance, and flowers, and hearts, and stars, and fireworks, and pure, perfect bliss? Happiness out the freaking wazoo, and no problems whatsoever.   
  
These people are *so* not dealing in real life.   
  
Not that every post-teenage girl is in love with a *vampire*, but still. Love is never perfect. *Never*. So why feed me fairy tales, and all that other crap? I believed it for awhile, deep down where no one could see past the no-nonsense exterior. But that was long ago and far away. If you asked me to identify the old me, I really couldn't tell you who that person was and what she was thinking. Or *if* she was thinking half the time, for that matter.   
  
I've grown up, and I know just how imperfect this whole world is, and why you can never have what you want when you want it. Life doesn't work that way. Hell, life hardly ever works at all. You live, you breathe, you muddle through, you're miserable, you die.   
  
Yes, loving Angel is killing me. Sometimes I think I'm the one that's gone "dark" now. Seems like it anyway. He doesn't know what's wrong, I don't know what's wrong.   
  
Or maybe we both do and we just don't want to admit it.   
  
The loving him is not what's going to kill me. It's the needing him. The not being able to have him.   
  
"Cordy, please come out of there," he begs. "I - I love you, Cordelia. I don't know what we're going to do, but right now that's where we're at."   
  
And that's where we'll stay. I won't come out now, not while I'm still hurting this much. I'd just fall into his arms sobbing, and I might not be able to stop this time.   
  
"Goodnight, Angel," I say, by way of dismissal. "I'll see you in the morning."   
  
I hear his footsteps slowly recede. We don't need to be too close to each other right now. It would either be too excruciating or too dangerous.   
  
End


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